How to Explain Your Terrible Sense of Fear & Dread to Someone Who Really Doesn’t Seem to Care
Why you feel it and why they might not (and what to do next if you need a thing to do)
Note: the ideas within are suggestions, influenced and shaped by conversations and sharing in the gatherings I am involved in, and not prescriptions you must follow.
Take what resonates and leave what doesn't. We're all figuring this out as we go and no one is an expert on... what shall we call it?...navigating enormously fractured, polarising views on matters of distinct existential urgency?
Ok, so you're carrying around a gnawing existential dread like a brick in your tummy. A really heavy brick with very, very sharp edges—
(Me too, by the way, and lots of us are...you are not alone in this, my dear friend)
—and they are talking about new kitchen benchtops or some other inane thing that seems so ludicrously inconsequential and unimportant.
You feel dread, worry, fear, anger, confusion. You want to share how you feel.
When you try to say anything about your growing dread and fear for the world they look at you with pity, annoyance, or....
“Nawwww. Don't worry! We'll figure it out. We always do!” Oh my god— are they actually leaning in to pat your head?
Or “Not this again! You're such a worrier”
Or they say something vaguely patronising about “perspective” or “staying positive”
Or they nod politely, then change the subject with dizzying speed to what the dog found in the garden earlier.
It was the size of my forearm you know and already dead! Want a sandwich?
Or they laugh nervously and say something like “Don’t be so dramatic!”
Or, you don’t even get that far. Because something in you already knows it won’t land and you can't bear the rejection on top of all the other pain.
Okayyy…so what now?
First thing...this isn't you just “being a bit worried”. Your fear and dread is a legit thing. You’re reacting entirely rationally and appropriately to an extraordinary time of unravelling.
If you're freaking out about climate collapse, ecological devastation, rising fascism, the death rattle of late-stage capitalism, racial and gender violence….or all of the above plus others not mentioned…. that doesn’t make you pessimistic, a doomer, a ‘downer’ and all the other pejoratives. It makes you awake.
Awake but very tired, I bet. It's very tiring being awake at this time.
When chatting with others about this we notice that, swirling around in the dread, are other feelings and sensations. Like:
Grief (for the world, for what we’ve lost, what we’re losing, the futures that won’t be)
Powerlessness (you’ve tried signing the petitions, you made the different choices, you blockaded or supported those that do, you educate yourself…. but here we still are)
Isolation (because no one else around you is crying when they see a bee and wondering how long the bees have left)
Doubt (like… you’re the mad one…..but you’re totally not: check out this podcast episode, if you want, which illuminates this phenomenon somewhat: where the sane people feel like the mad ones)
There’s also the confusion, the anger, the guilt, the longing, the shame, the love. Wow, it’s a ride.
Anyway, all this is not a malfunction. You’re not the messed up one.
Dread is good. Dread is cool!
Ok I don't know if dread is cool but it is a pretty reasonable response. It’s not being ‘dramatic’ or ‘fear-mongering’ or ‘too sensitive’. You’re not overreacting.
You’re reacting perfectly appropriately to a world that’s making less and less sense.
Trying to share this with someone who’s... not exactly there
Trying to talk to someone who’s not feeling this dread can be like ....um....trying to describe punk rock to my cat? My cat doesn't care and just slinks off. My cat will never care about punk rock.
So here’s the hard bit: It's possible the person, or people, you want to share with, and be listened to by, may never be at the place you need them to be.
But it's not impossible. You may need metaphors and patience. Some conversations might surprise you. But others may hurt.
Common reactions…and what they might mean
The person you’re speaking to might be uninformed, uninterested, overwhelmed, scared, in denial, deep in distraction, or just not ready to feel what you’re feeling.
Most of the time, it’s not that they don’t care. It’s that caring would require something from them they don’t yet know how to access.
Their response might be coming from fear, emotional overload, avoidance, or just the very human instinct to look away when something feels too big to hold.
For a list of people you might meet along this journey, see:
Some responses and possible meanings:
“You’re so negative!” (You're touching something I don’t want to feel)
“We’ve always had problems” (I can’t cope with the enormity of what you’re naming, so I’m going to pretend it's fine)
“That’s just your anxiety talking.” ( I need to pathologise your awareness of reality so I can stay comfortable in my denial, please forgive me)
“You’re catastrophising, as usual” (I’d prefer to believe everything’s fine so I don’t have to feel powerless)
“Come on, you’re being political, leave it” (I don’t want to think about systems or responsibility, so I’ll label your concern as partisan or political and therefore invalid)
“Focus on what you can control.” (I’m uncomfortable with things we can’t control, so let’s play ‘pretend’)
“The media is always fear-mongering.” (I haven’t read a scientific report since 2003 but I have watched a lot of Tik Tok so I know what's up)
“You’ve got to laugh or you’d cry!” (I will now make an edgy joke and flee emotionally)
“That’s so depressing, can we not?” (I refuse to let this spoil our time, because it will)
What do YOU actually need from this conversation?
You’re not asking them to fix it (they can’t, obvs). What you might be asking, without even knowing it, is:
See what I see
Don’t dismiss me
Hold some of this unbearable knowing with me, so I’m not alone in it
Because often it's not the dread and fear itself, but the loneliness of carrying it by yourself. Yepppp.
(at the foot of this page are some other bits and pieces to help you feel less alone)
So what now for you?
If you’ve got even one person who can say, “Yeah, it’s terrifying,” without immediately following it up with a "but....at least-something something-techno-fix-carbon-offset-something-human-ingenuity-lets-get-drunk-something-something"
...hold onto them. Climb on to their back and don’t let go.
And if you haven't, that's ok. Really.
A very non-exhaustive list of what might help:
- Being with collapse-aware communities (surprisingly fun! I’ve made some incredible friendships. Maybe start with Collapse Club, but there are many more and please see the link for other resources further down)
- Grief rituals, circles, tending, processing
- Chaotic creativity
- Crying
- Making things with your hands
- Singing both terrible and non-terrible songs
- Screaming into the wind (seriously, I highly recommend this one)
- Tending to what’s within reach: a simple breath, a dog, a basil plant
- Immersing yourself in wild places or wild creatures
- Turning off the news
- Being with animals and small humans
- Spending time near water, and/or wild places
Check out this resource (compiled by other caring humans, not me) for many, many more and for specific examples of the above.
One more thing to remember
If someone doesn’t understand your fear for the world, it’s not your job to make them.
But it is your right to feel your feelings. To speak the truth of your experience. Even if it makes you “too much” (Grrrr )
In a world that’s numbed out, feeling deeply is a rebellious and loving act (although it feels like poop)
And your dread (squirmy and horrid and utterly excruciating as it can be) is a sign of your sensitivity, your sanity, and your fierce love for this astonishing, mesmerisingly beautiful world.
Stay here with us. You’re not alone, friend.
Totally optional things to come to:
If you wanna come along to a gathering of some kind where these topics are welcomed, head to this page for more info or pop your email below.
Totally optional things to read:
Here are a couple of my diary pieces from my earliest days of collapse-awareness (which weren’t that long ago) if it helps you to see that feeling isolated is a real thing
